so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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