Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Randomize
