you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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