that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize