Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
