even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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