please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
