No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
