What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
