Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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