life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
