If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
