dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
