I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm having to shit out rocks
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