i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
