dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
