My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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