You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
