I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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