It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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