There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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