I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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