I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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