I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
