when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
