I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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