I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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