my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
