physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
