I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
