one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
