I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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