I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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