Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
