Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
