It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
