Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just had sex on a roof
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
