Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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