I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
