dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
