My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
