Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
