Tell her she can't have a vagina
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
