so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
