How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize