dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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