I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
