In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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