Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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