we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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