Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
