apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
