i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
