I want to have your abortion
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
