wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
