I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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