what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
