then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
