Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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