Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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