dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize