her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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