After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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