Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
